Who What Where When Why How... distractions

Where am I: Lyon, Rhone-Alps, France—more specifically in my bed, where I’ve been for more than a full 24 hours now.

What am I doing here: the immediate answer is that I’m watching movies, futzing around on facebook, uploading pictures and videos from vacation and blogging. The long answer is much more complicated…

I felt called to come to France. I thought, no I knew, that God wanted me here. And it’s true, it has been wonderful and I do love it… but I’m not in love with France anymore, not like I used to be. Maybe the whole idea was for me to meet lots of people who will become important in my life through travels and work and have lots of experiences that will make/have made me grow as a person. Maybe that’s why I’m here… that wasn’t the question was it? Damn.

What am I doing here: I am teaching English… sort of… I chat it up with the high schoolers and I give them a couple of vocab lessons. I’m their “oral expressions” teacher I suppose you could say. We sing, we chat, we play games… if that is called teaching, then yes, I’m teaching. I’m traveling as much as possible and enjoying as much as I can on a condensed budget… which seems to get more and more condensed as time goes on. Soon I’ll be eating bread and yogurt in an attempt to save money for travels.

Why am I doing it: again, the easy answer is because it’s distracting and easy and I’m lazy and in need of distraction— the last of my visiting family left yesterday and after shedding a few tears I threw myself into movies and photos and facebook and blogging… seemed like the best option. I’m still without distraction from work or other assistants who have not yet returned so while I could knit, that leaves me free to think and thus be sad about my departed family. This allows me to be mindless… or at least think about things in a more productive (uh huh, sure) way… to be analytical, I’m good at that.

The long reason… why am I here, in France, sudo-teaching English? Like I said, I felt called. Do I feel like I’m doing God’s will at this moment in time… I’m not sure… I don’t know what He wants of me anymore. I thought I would find some greater purpose when I got here. I just felt so compelled to be back here and it all worked out so perfectly, it HAD to be what He wanted… I just went with it and hoped I would find my greater purpose upon arrival. Perhaps travelling and meeting people and growing as a person through my experiences is the greater purpose… but I still feel slightly unfulfilled. I am not giving back- the Bible study I found meets once a month (and they’re not meeting at all in February) and I don’t really have a strong sort of Faith community and I haven’t found a way to donate my time or energy… It’s just… I don’t know… I guess I should get used to not having answers. Why am I here? I don’t really know. Because I was in Love with France. I still like it here… I’m just over it, haha.

When will I leave: hmmm… I might be getting hungry, it is about 2:30 in the afternoon and all I’ve eaten were some cheese crackers my parents lovingly brought from home. I might have to leave my bed to feed myself soon. And a shower wouldn’t be a bad plan either.
I don’t know when I’m leaving France. There’s that stupid phrase again, “I don’t know”… my contract is up on the 30th of April. I’m thinking of extending it for a month if possible. Which means I write a letter to the principle of my school/the rectorat asking if they’ll pay me to work one more month. That would take me to the end of May and then in June I’d hopefully do a little more travelling and perhaps some working… I might be teaching dance by that point… again I don’t know… I’d like to go to Ireland in July to see my Grandma who will be there for the International Sister Cities Convention and to spread Mrs. Zammit’s ashes. Then… who knows… home? Maybe. Very Possibly in fact. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the ease of home. I could go back to that life I think. I’m ready for it.

What then: There’s that pesky I don’t know again. School probably. I’m still considering going to Physical Therapy school in Aberdeen, Scotland- which would rock really, despite the cold, it would be amazing. If that’s the plan then I need to get some science under my belt first… perhaps I could move into an apartment with my best friend Mary Kate and I could go to school for a year or two and she could tutor me when I fail. J I’d have a nice long stint at home again, being with friends and family for a year or two before taking off to beloved Europe again. This is what, at the present moment, seems to make the most sense. Opinions on the amount of sense this actually makes are more than welcome as I’m really not sure if it makes any sense at all… but at least it’s not another “I don’t know”.

What questions have we covered? Where, What, Why, When and another What. I’m missing Who and How.

Who: My Daddy said something to me recently that I find to be very profound. He said that he sees in me that I have a very good sense of Who I Am. That’s interesting. I suppose if I had to I could write an entire dissertation on Who I Am. I’m not sure it would be definitive though, and I think that is the very point. People change. Experiences change people. People change people. I believe you can’t always be 100% sure of who you are and what you think because those things change regularly. But to have a very good idea is a very good thing. Be open to new possibilities and new ideas, but be secure in self being. There is a difference between being secure in your self and being 100% sure of yourself.
There is a quote from the child’s film Furngully. Batty says to the guy (whose name I don’t remember) “Only fools are positive” and the guy asks Batty, “Are you sure?” and Batty says, “I’m positive!” hahaha. I love it.
The point is that if you are positive, if you are set in your view with no way out of it, no way to be influenced and no way to see other perspectives, you are a fool. You can’t be 100% sure of yourself. You’d be a fool. But you can be secure in the beliefs you hold and the view of yourself that you have without closing off all those other options. In fact, I think the more open you are to the perspective of others the more you probably have a pretty good handle on yourself. It is an incredible compliment to be told by my dad that I have a very good sense of Who I Am. J

How: How did I turn into this person: experience. I chose to take French for two reasons: 1. when I was in grade school we had this terrible Spanish teacher. I didn’t like her at all and I thought she dressed very inappropriately for a Catholic Grade School- wearing tight white pants with colored thongs or sweaters that had a little too much space in the knitting and not enough clothing underneath to cover her bra… it just didn’t seem right. So, in my little recent-8th-grade-graduate brain it made perfect sense to not continue with Spanish because I didn’t like my old teacher.
2. French is the language of ballet.

My first French teacher, Madame Welty, was fun and wonderful. I loved her class and while I’m not sure that my high school French education really prepared me to speak French in France, it gave me a foundation to build on and it instilled in me a love for the culture and the language. I vowed to go to France.

So I did. I went to a university with an amazing study abroad program and Caen, Normandy changed my life. From the people I met to the experiences I had there- it is a huge part in the in my making, in the HOW of my Who.

How does something change? I guess first there is the impetus for change- something that is present and slightly pushing. Then there is acceptance of this impetus- whether recognized and accepted or through some subconscious path we have to take said impetus into our lives. And third there is development or change- for better or for worse the impetus for change and the acceptance of that impetus has thus created change. So, by what means do we grow, as change and growth, while not always being interchangeable, are, by all means, linked. We grow by accepting impetus- we grown by experiencing. We grow by allowing our experiences to cause change in us. Every experience- from traveling to impromptu coffee-talks with friends to cooking to accepting love to giving love to prayer to dreams to journals and blogs--- everything you experience has the possibility to cause change in you, in me. It is part of having a good sense of Who You Are that allows you to be open to the experiences and grow from them without giving them too much influence over your life. It is a balance. If everything changed us, we would be like shape-shifters, constantly unsure of ourselves and never forming lasting relationships as our selves would be so inconsistent we would be incapable of forming lasting bonds with those who feel similarly about things as we do.

Holy philosophy batman!! I just started writing to distract myself and not be board… this is how my mind works though… scary, huh? I think I have to end this questioning craziness… it is now almost 3 and my roommates are finally stirring… perhaps it’s time for that shower and some food.